The Implications of a Courteous Heart.

Today we are departing from the usual sales, prospecting, cold calling and business related material. The following is an excerpt from my forthcoming book, Imperfect Forgiveness: Releasing Hurt Bit-By-Bit. Please enjoy, and remember to comment, follow, and share.

-Alice Wheaton.

The Implications of a Courteous Heart

It is vital to go through life with a forgiving attitude, forgiving the big things and the small. Forgiving people, places, and circumstances is the best technique to adopt, and best spiritual attitude to hold, in order to live in the moment, and stay in the now. When we obsess about the past or worry about the future, our vital energy is depleted.

 

When you go through life with a forgiving attitude, you develop a courteous heart. Because a courteous heart does not interfere with another’s character, it may appear detached. This is not so. A courteous heart feels no need to criticize, regulate, or improve another. It does not search for a reason to make others feel guilty. It does not say: “Why didn’t you do that?” or “You made me feel bad.” A courteous heart simply looks at a person or situation with something very special: discernment versus judgment.

Judgment means to observe a person doing or saying something, and declare the person as wrong, mean, unpleasant, evil, etc. Discernment, on the other hand, means simply to observe the behavior with an open mind. You would simply say: “This is what I see, hear, and feel.” Conversely, a judgment is expressed by saying: “I see a person doing or saying something which I believe to be wrong, and because of that behavior, he / she is mean, evil, untrustworthy or wrong.”

A courteous heart knows that to judge is to limit its ability to learn. More than anything, the courteous heart wants to be open to the experiences and gifts of others. A courteous heart knows that it cannot learn from someone it judges to be less than itself.

This does not mean that in embracing the courteous heart you will tolerate the intolerable or accept the unacceptable. It means you will change what you can and let go of, and forgive, the rest. If someone is in your face, and you feel uncomfortable and want to retaliate, contain your emotions with this mantra: “Bless them and improve me.” This releases that person to a power greater than you, and frees you from the limitations that accompany judgment. It also causes you to admit to yourself that you, too, are imperfect, in need of help and blessings.

Adapting a forgiving attitude frees you and gives you more focus and energy to get off their case and get on with your life. It frees them from the unhealthy obligation of feeling accountable to you. It allows, or you give permission, for people to present themselves to you just as they are – works in progress, for this moment.

Adopting a completely forgiving attitude does not mean you do not have boundaries – quite the reverse is true! However, when you do create the boundary, it is elegant instead of defensive. The boundary you create is about the person’s behavior, not an attack on the person. When you attack without separating the person from the behavior, you lose your power.

If you do not let others know your boundaries, they may offend you by what they say or do. However, they are not responsible if you have not taken the time to consistently identify or clarify your boundaries. When you have educated them and their offensive behavior continues, you will have to make a decision about whether or not to remain in contact.

Boundaries usually need to be emphasized a number of times because if we were in a relationship with someone over an extended period without healthy boundaries, we essentially have taught them how to treat us and allowed them to do so. Such a pattern will not be abandoned without resistance on their part. Your persistence in creating elegant boundaries will reduce their resistance to recognizing and respecting those boundaries.

 When you become angry while maintaining a boundary, you are effectively moving from a boundary to a defense. Typically, a defensive posture only stimulates more defenses, or attack is met with attack. Notice how our world powers are skilled at attacking each other.

The gift you give yourself by going through life with a forgiving attitude is that you develop a courteous heart, and in so doing, you become spiritually elegant. One who is spiritually elegant does not feel snobbish or superior and is able to learn from everyone else. The divine spirit of the universe works through people, all kinds of people, from all walks of life. A courteous heart embraces everyone, and therefore experiences the divine in all, including the divine in oneself. The positive results will show.